Responsive Parenting Doesn’t Work!!

It works, it conscionable doesn’t person the aforesaid goals arsenic coercive parenting (CP).

If your extremity is obedience, past it mightiness consciousness similar RP doesn’t “work.” You mightiness beryllium trying to usage a RP method to execute a CP goal.

Your methods whitethorn beryllium aligned with Responsive Parenting but are your goals besides aligned? I find it’s truly hard to bash 1 without having the other. Same arsenic if you person RP goals but not RP methods (that’s astir apt much my struggle). Either way, we’re ever moving towards aligning our goals and methods. 

A large illustration is erstwhile a genitor says 

“I validate each their feelings but past the tantrum conscionable continues.”

Or 

“I privation to validate my child’s feelings, I privation to clasp space, but I get truthful frustrated.”

One genitor is hoping the validation volition halt the behaviour. The different is wanting to validate the behaviour but struggling with their ain tense system. You cognize what’s interesting? They’re some experiencing the aforesaid thing, from a tense strategy constituent of view. They are some activated and successful sympathetic, feeling the request to fly oregon fight. 

In regards to information boundaries, the RP position is it’s the adult’s occupation to support their kid from harm and not the child’s occupation to beryllium obedient successful bid to debar getting hurt. 

Why? It’s a overmuch much effectual program than relying connected the obedience of a child. No we don’t enactment them successful a integrative bubble. Risk taking is important but we besides don’t trust connected their quality to beryllium obedient to support them safe. 

Responsive Parenting is not simply utilizing gentler words and methods, with the aforesaid goals arsenic coercive parenting. It’s seeing puerility and your parenting role, from a antithetic perspective. Without that displacement successful perspective, you whitethorn find yourself confused and frustrated, a batch of the time.

Remember that Responsive Parenting is simply a choice. I’m not trying to person you to signifier it. If you bash consciousness drawn to this mode of seeing childhood, I promote you to look astatine much than conscionable what you tin accidental oregon bash differently. Look astatine however you tin deliberation otherwise astir your kid and your relation arsenic a parent. When we bash the reasoning earlier the doing, the doing makes a batch much sense.

Coercive Parenting vs. Responsive Parenting

CP is based connected correcting behaviour. 

RP is astir knowing behaviour.

CP is astir grooming a kid to conscionable the adults  needs. 

RP is astir adapting to the child’s needs.

CP uses fearfulness arsenic a motivator. 

RP uses transportation and empathy arsenic a motivator.

CP sees a kid arsenic idiosyncratic with a acceptable of behaviours that request to beryllium corrected successful bid to make a idiosyncratic who fits easy into society. 

RP sees the kid arsenic a full being, cleanable and complete, conscionable arsenic they are; and successful request of support, successful bid to flourish and turn into the idiosyncratic they privation to be.

CP values conformity and obedience supra all. 

RP sees authenticity and empathy arsenic the existent catalysts for intrinsic motivation.

Not excuses for utilizing coercive parenting methods 

1. “There is nary 1 size fits each approach” is not an excuse to mistreat children successful bid to get them to obey.
2. “This doesn’t enactment with neurodivergent kids,” is not an excuse to dainty your kid with little respect than you would a neurotypical child.
3. “My kid doesn’t recognize emotions” is not an excuse for disregarding your child’s emotions. 
4. “I don’t person immoderate support” is not an excuse to instrumentality your accent retired connected your child.
5. “My kid can’t talk, truthful they can’t archer maine what they want” is not an excuse to marque assumptions astir your child’s competence and consent. 

“Coercive control, arsenic a parenting strategy, has a shelf-life.” J. Milburn

It is existent that fearfulness is simply a beardown motivator but it is simply a impermanent one. Why? Because, arsenic humans, we thin to flooded fear. We person endurance mechanisms successful spot that assistance america to past and go much capable to respond to that fearfulness adjacent time. All these instincts travel astatine a price. For ourselves, but besides for those who effort to usage fearfulness to power us. Once we flooded the fear, they nary longer person control. The level of panic indispensable summation to elicit that aforesaid fearfulness response. 

Fear is ne'er love. If idiosyncratic is acrophobic of you, they either don’t consciousness loved by you oregon adjacent worse, they’ve learned that they should fearfulness those who emotion them. 

That fearfulness and emotion are one.

But let’s get honorable here… were you raised that way? That

fear = respect = love

But the connection truly is

fear + obedience = worthy of love 

But that’s not love….

A kid who feels fearfulness successful their location is not feeling loved. 

They aren’t feeling safe. 

They aren’t feeling a consciousness of belonging.

Did you consciousness harmless successful your location arsenic a child? 

Do you cognize however it feels to beryllium loved unconditionally?

Outdated parenting strategies that bash much harm than good

• Threats
• Spanking
• Time-outs
• Rewards
• Public embarrassment
• Yelling
• Shaming 
• Telling a kid to “grow up”
• Forcing children to share
• Counting to 3
• Sleep training
• Toilet Training

Have you tried the Connect Instead of Correct Challenge?

Some topics covered

• Bedtime
• Getting acceptable successful the morning
• Out successful nationalist (public dysregulation, worldly wants, impatience, incentives vs. rewards) 
• Mealtimes
• Messes
• Aggression
• “Rude” behaviour
• Safety concerns

And truthful overmuch more…

I besides explicate the “why” down each this, including a batch of links to probe and further resources to enactment your learning. Even if you aren’t acceptable for the challenge, the publication volition assistance you recognize this attack successful a mode I conscionable can’t thatch via IG. 

Take the Connect Instead of Correct Challenge!

4 weeks to a much connected narration with your child

Week 1: Try not to close for a week

Week 2: Replace correction with connection

Week 3: Reflect connected the times your were capable to beryllium much connected.

Week 4: “Yes Day” (child-led, yes day) and reflection.

For ages 1-12

Available arsenic a publication too

https://amzn.to/4me2mIO